Venting/Whining/Complaining

 OK, I haven't updated the blog in a while and there is SO much to share. I never even finished talking about Disneyland I think. But I'll skip to the end of that trip for some background context...

On the last night at Devon's my back (more like butt) started REALLY hurting. It hurt to lay down, or move, or get up, or sit. Especially in a car. The ride to the airport the next morning was very very difficult/painful. Somehow I survived the car AND plane rides and we made it home.

The next day the pain progressed and I was achy just standing up or or doing anything. By the 3rd day, Sunday, I was in excruchiating pain in all positions. Worst of all was sitting or laying down, and transitioning from one of those to standing. I fnally accepted that I needed to see someone ASAP, but was in so much pain, I didn't think I could get into, or sit in, the car. And I didn't feel like an abulence was the answer. Finally I felt like the pain wave lessened just enough that we risked a drive to Urgent Care. Sadly, they were booked out about 2 hours, so Nate went ahead and took me the ER. That was also a long wait in which I started feeling a little better, and was eventually seen and treated. The ER Dr. diagnosed muscle spasms and put me on a cocktail of SEVEN different IV drugs, including morphine. All of that, and upping the doses still didn't take the pain all away, but it lessened quite a bit and I was sent home with a bunch of Rx's.

Since that fateful day, my body has not fully returned to normal. I've been xrayed and Dr. Rampton gave me a steroid injection, but we see nothing and the injection didn't work. We believe I have SI joint disorder. One of the biggest issues with this joint problem is that, as it's uncomfortable to lay down, sleeping became super difficult. For a while, I could sleep ok, but only on one side. When that side grew tired, I would spend the rest of the night attempting to lay on my back or my other side or more upright or less upright or pillows between my knees or under my back... no other position would work, but my left side would start to ache from the pressure of being the only side I could sleep on. This issue went on for months, then finally a couple weeks ago, I started feeling better. I was even able to sleep on both sides. (Still not my back, as the SI joint connects down to my ankles, the latter will burn and throb if I'm on my back) and could transition sides more easily. It still involved having to essentially sit up fully, as rolling was too painful. But I aaaalmost felt like myself again, minus the chronic knee issues from the car accident.

So, encouraged, I've started trying to live life again. But a couple nights ago we went camping. It was ONE night, and it's completely set me back to the starting line. 😩

I cannot describe how miserable I am. Upon returning from camping, I immediately started my myriad of Rxs from the ER visit, including oxycotton. Each day I have progressively felt worse than the last. Last night was so horrible. I got a bit of sleep but then woke up to complete and total pain and an inability to move. I finally pushed through the excruciating punches of pain and got out of bed to take some more meds, but they don't really work. I attempted to lay is a sitting position on the couch, but that became too painful and then I couldn't move off the couch. Finally forcing myself up, I stood there, exhausted and unable to do anything but stand up. I can't begin to describe how miserable that is. Having to stand up constantly, and still in pain even then, but knowing there is no relief available. I became nauseas, had some bathroom issues on top of the flare-up pains and last night I realized for one of the few times in my life, that I legitimately wanted to die. It's one thing when there is releif to suffering available, if you can lie down, sleep it off, take medicine, or know it will pass (like pregnancy), but this has been my life for 4 months now, and any attempts to live somewhat normal always set my back into agony-mode. My heart is breaking for myself. How can I live without sleeping - seriously? Standing up all night long, too exhausted to do anything productive with my time. Then day comes and I have to go to work, grocery shop, run the house... How can I be of any use to anyone if I can't ever sit, or walk, or stand? There is nothing left. Even swimming doesn't alleviate anything. It's so frustrating and disheartening. Just existing right now is so physically painful, that it's starting to seep into my mental health.

But let's move on in this complain-fest...

Our finances are in bad shape. The worst they've ever been and much worse than I ever could have possibly imagined they'd be. Thanks to stimulus $ and tax refunds, we had gotten back to zero credit card debt by May of last year. But no such stimulus came this year, instead inflation rose, everything in our homes and cars keeps breaking, almost everyone in the family has been having health/medical issues (including Nate's achilleas), and neither Nate or I have gotten any raises. Thanks to the University taking over The Research Institute where Nate works, for the first time ever he and his team won't even get a COLA raise, even though that COLA wouldn't have been enough to compensate for inflation anyway. There have been other "downgrades" as a result of the university taking over, and at the time that was being discussed, Nate was the ONLY one voicing concerns and asking questions about how this would influence things at work. Their pay, including raises, are written into the grants. Not only does it cost the university nothing, but it's contractual pay in the grant... but in the name of equity, the University is not allowing the pay raises or COLAs. Where does that money go then, since it was written into the grant? Who knows.

We've talked about me working full time and I dread the idea, especially right now as my body is so broken. There's absolutely no way. We've talked about Nate looking for a new job, but he's about 2 years away from getting his MBA, it kills to think of stopping that when he's so close, not to mention it would make him more employable. If he got a new job, unless it provided tuition assistance, we couldn't afford for him to continue and finish that degree. Our situation is stressful and completely unsustainable, and we don't know what to do to crawl out of it.

We have 3 vehicles and only 1 is drivable now, and even it has some mystery issues. The truck is stuck at a friend's shop in Lebanon and the first attempt at repairing it was unsuccessful. In the mean time, the commuter car (the Carolla) has been doing this funky thing where the engine just kind of poops out while you're driving. Then, the other night Brennan was backing the car out of the garage without realizing Hollyn had left a door open when she hopped out, and he backed the door into the garage door frame. The frame Nate was able to pop back into the place, the car's door will need to be replaced. There is possibly frame damage as well. Since we need to figure out how to get a new door and the current door won't close, Nate unplugged the battery. The van has electrical issues that make the power doors often not work. In addition, it's recently needed a jump start a couple of times even though there was no reason for the battery to drain and our battery checks out as still being fine. It has taken anywhere from 5-25 minutes for the jumpstart to work. We have no idea what is wrong with it, but it's going to cost us. In addition, the windshield developed a large crack. The pit apparently happened in the very corner, you can't even see it. We never had a chance to get the pit attended to, one day there was just a crack. $$$

The fan in our main bathroom doesn't work, and was already insufficient and mold has been a big issue, so we're needing to replace the fan, including a new vent and ducting. $$$

Our A/C died last summer. This week is supposed to be over 100* every day. So that's fun. Since the heater is old too, we'll replace both, when we can. $$$

The gutters need replacing, the roof will need replacing soon too. We need to fix the outlet in our bathroom and add lights to some rooms without overhead lighting. The floors are old, minor repairs are needed indoors, and outside our yard is a giant mess.

We can't get Asher's eczema under control and the poor kid looks awful most of the time with a red splotches covering his face, neck, upper body. We also can't get Kieran's asthma under control. The kid is a soccer star, but struggles to breath. The schools call me constantly (during the year) about his asthma attacks and needing a new inhaler, etc.

Kylea's private school she attended last year is closing, so we don't know where she'll be attending school next month. But it's undoubtedly going to be across town. Even though we think she'd be better off attending the same school as Hollyn where she knows her and kids from church and Hollyn's friends. But Brooke seems uninterested in taking a turn being inconvenienced even if it would be best for Ky; she doesn't mind at all having Nate and I drive 20+ minutes each way to get Ky to and from school, around getting 4 other kids to their schools and our 3 jobs. It's just frustrating but whatever.

I'm sure there's more but with my body in the pain it's currently in, and the nausea I'm still suffering, my brain is shutting down. Man, I'm so tired. Even if I wanted to fall asleep though, I can't lay down.